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Sick of Your Own Bullsh*t?
The answer to getting over yourself and living up to your own potential
I think I was around 6 or 7 years old when my mother flew into a rant.
Apparently, the car breaking down was about as much as her mental stability could take, and she unleashed like lava spewing out of Mount Tambora.
“Nobody in this damn family has EVER gotten anything the easy way!” She spewed.
“Every goddamn thing we have EVER had, we had to BLEED, SWEAT, AND WORK OUR ASSES TO THE BONE!” She raged.
This was normal in our house.
I looked up at my mom. She had that, all too familiar the-lights-are-on-but-nobodys-home look on her face.
Just don’t make eye contact. Pretend something’s wrong with your shoelaces. Anything.
Her eyes scanned back and forth between my brothers and me, waiting to see which one of us was going to make the mistake first.
It was me. I did it. I looked the raging beast in the eye. Shit.
“Do you hear me?” She leaned over looking into my eyes.
Little did I know that her next sentence would stick with me for years to come.
“YOU WILL SUFFER! LIFE IS GOING TO BE SUFFERING!! GET USED TO IT! IT’S JUST THE WAY IT GOES FOR THIS FAMILY!!”
That phrase, “You will suffer,” rattled around in my subconscious like an empty beer can in the back of an 87’ Chevy Silverado for a good thirty years.
Problem is, I believed it.
And then, I went on to live up to it.
Several tragedies, losses, and heartbreaks later I was mourning the loss of a boyfriend when my fingers found their way to Google. It’s sort of my thing.
I typed, “What is the opposite of Post Traumatic Disorder?”
Post-traumatic growth (PTG) is when someone has been affected by PTSD and finds a way to take new meaning from their experiences in order to live their lives in a different way than prior to the trauma.
Son of a bitch, I didn’t really think there was going to be an answer.
This is a thing?
What drove my desperate little fingers to ask such a question in the first place?
I was sick and tired of suffering. Sick of it.
As if the clouds parted and little cherubs flew down and beckoned me to the realization that this suffering shit was optional.
Like, I didn’t have to do any of it, anymore.
Would any of the people I’d lost want to be the reason for my failure?
Not-a-one. As a matter of fact, they would be pissed if they knew their departure was my downfall.
So, just like that. On a Tuesday, everything always happens on a Tuesday.
I made the decision to stop suffering.
Just stop. Three days later, I registered for college.
It takes practice but, you just have to make the choice.
You have to understand that you are not your parent’s expectations.
Your life is a blank canvas if you choose it to be.
It’s ok to see things for what they really are.
You do not have to pass the torch.
You can do whatever-the-fuck-you-want.
Jacklyn Miller - Chief Rebel at Renegade Art Co